I know I am becoming unwell. Maybe
“becoming” is an overstatement. It implies a kind of
inevitability that I will descend into madness. That is not
inevitable, but I have symptoms. Items on my carefully
constructed “symptom list” have started to flag up.
The whole point of the list was to
catch my mood disturbance before it spiralled out of control. To find
a way to surf the waves rather than have them drag me under. So why
am I not doing anything about it? I had a couple of weeks where
anxious/low type symptoms were present. Nothing pathological, and
nothing I couldn't do something about. In fact, I'd say my mood has
pretty much been “normal” for a good month until now.
Now I am restless. Now I am avoiding
sleep. There is so much to do with the day, oh how I wish a day had
more hours than it did. I want to do everything: to learn, to teach,
to sit exams, to practice medicine – oh, how I love being with
patients! - to drive, to drink, to cook and eat, see friends, go to
the beach, go to the gym, shop (especially for expensive dresses), to
charm, to smile, to feel happy - why can I not be happy? Why do they
(mental health professionals) want to curtail my excitement? I hate
them. I loathe them, no, not just them, I loathe everyone.
They're liars. This isn't a diagnosis, this is me and I am happy. I
don't need to sleep – they're wrong.
Why am I so fixated about what they
would think if they saw me now? Because in my heart I know something is wrong. I
know they would worry about me sleeping less, about the times my
thoughts rush, about me dropping almost £200 on a dress I really
didn't need on Saturday because I felt like it (“I'm a doctor, I'm
rich! I can have anything I want!”).
It's not all fun and games. A part of
my heart is intermittently sinking. I am hearing those niggling
voices say, “she hung herself”, “she hung herself”, “she
locked herself in her room and hung herself”. Not one suicidal thought for two months and now they're back again. Damn those pesky voices...
What to do? My action plan involves
stopping drinking and going to bed on time. Well, it's way past
midnight already, and I resent trying to sleep when I don't want to.
I didn't have a drink tonight, but it's a school night. Come the
weekend I'll have forgotten this pledge to myself.
Who to tell? I've told my boyfriend,
but he's gone abroad for a fortnight. I have a new GP I'm seeing on
Friday. New. Can I trust him? Can I trust him to understand this, to
understand me? I have one more session of CBT pending. Let's hope I
can use it to turn myself around again. Because I am lost for ideas
and lacking motivation.
It's hard to want to change when you're
enjoying yourself.
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