Appearances can be deceptive

Failed to get my bake on yesterday. But hey, managed to meet a friend in the evening at My Old Dutch again. Another social encounter with a big fat smile on my face. He must wonder why I'm not working at the moment. Don't exactly appear “unwell” when I leave home and face the world.

My mood is swinging so much right now. I feel depressed, yes. I cannot concentrate, cannot make decisions. I am constantly exhausted and sad. I think of ending it all every single day, or at least harming myself to the point of being in a coma. I don't want to die, but equally being awake can be mental agony at times. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and have been awake since, unable to focus on anything in particular, unsure whether to take a small overdose of sleeping pills to silence my mind. Then a few hours later I bounce back. A few hours later I can manage an evening out, or a trip to the cinema, although it's exhausting.

I am seeing a new psychiatrist in a few hours. Lucky, lucky him. Lucky number six. For that is how many I've got through over the past ten years.

I will survive. I admitted to my partner yesterday that I fully intend to bake and eat my way out of this hell hole. Is that unhealthy? I eat in moderation and my weight has been stable recently. I am a size 8-10. I guess I need to keep an eye on it, but adding a daily muffin or brownie to my normal diet of wholegrains, low-fat dairy products, lean meats and fruit and vegetables isn't exactly going to tip the scales.

Finally concluded an hour ago that my next stab at baking will be black bottomless cupcakes. I've only just become aware of the Joy of Baking website. It's American, so I'm going to have to get myself a cup measurer (why can't the morons use grams and kilograms like the rest of us?)

Talking of American, I've recently got into imported Pop-Tarts. Brings back memories of summers spent in Florida as a child. I've got American blood in me, something as a Brit I've always been strangely proud of. But I'll save that for another post some time...